I worry a little bit.
It's a terrible habit.
And I'm workin' on it.
While other's are obsessing about their body fat percentages and whether or not they'll place 1st or 10th, I'm ruminating about how I can possibly leave this world a little better than I've found it. Or what I could possibly do that helps to create a little more light in this crazy place while trying not to slip into the negativity, fear and unhealthy lifestyles I seem to be surrounded by. I worry about the immense responsibility of knowing what I know sometimes and if I'll ever be able to truly make a positive difference. Yes. I feel good when I help others feel good. I consider this a huge perk of my job and a tremendous honour frankly.
I didn't exactly have the easiest or 'normalest' of early childhoods. I endured some fairly significant pain. Pain that, at the time, seemed like an insurmountable challenge. But ended up being the source of some of my deepest strengths and greatest sensitivity. It's probably some of those early experiences with pain, and the subsequent isolation that comes with that; that have left me a little more interested in creating a livelihood through creating community, compassion and health.
I've always lived with this sense of Urgency. Like - there's not a lot of time here... and that time shouldn't be wasted... and this life can change at the blink of an eye... and so the most important thing in life is to be happy and to LIVE each day to its fullest. To me happiness is impeccable health, good friends, my amazing family, and a sense of support in my life. It's that Urgency that has pushed me along some really great adventures! And helped me make some pretty unconventional decisions about how I live my life (much to my parent's dismay sometimes, I'm sure!)
So one of my Resolves for this New Year of 2011 is to surrender more. Float downstream for awhile instead of trying to claw against the current. Now that doesn't mean my typical ambitious, goal-oriented self isn't going to still make lists and dream big and work everyday towards making my dreams a reality. It just means that, this year, I'm going to release attachment to how things should/shouldn't turn out. I'm going to let go more. And I'm going to allow other people to take the lead once in a while. (Especially in my relationships). Surrender is an inner attitude. An attitude of Acceptance. No Resistance to the moment. Just acceptance of what is. Whatever that 'is'!
This is going to be a fun challenge for me.
And you know how I like a good ol' fashioned challenge.
Bring. It. On.