Sometimes I get frustrated with "this place".
I get annoyed at the aggressive drivers, the litter-ers, all the cigarette smokers. I feel anxious about the winters, and the cold, and the months of darkness, and the ice. I get irritated, occasionally, about some of the shenanigans that go on in the evening hours at some of the local pubs in this small town of mine. I get tired of hearing the same ol' stories about the same ol' drama about so-and-so drinking too much and getting all gnarly and rude and simply not acting their age. I get mildly peeved about trying to do my groceries in peace and, on occasion, running into snotty, rude, judgmental, (usually) ladies who want to tell me all about their wondrous PhD's and ask incredibly condescending questions about exactly "where my business is going now?" Yes. It's true. There are certain days when I flop on my couch at the end of the day feeling nothing less than totally.....Done.
And I wonder - where else can I go? How can I "get away" from all these annoyances? I fantasize about packing a bag and fleeing town. Just getting on the next bus and....starting again. Somewhere new. Somewhere exotic and fun. Somewhere no one knows me and I can just...recreate myself! The funny part? That was, literally, most of my twenties. I never allowed myself to accumulate too many possessions. Just in case I decided to leave. It actually became an ongoing joke with people who knew me well. They'd joust about "a lover in every port" and "Oh Heather's got her running shoes on again!".
Now, after years of travelling and touring here and there - from coast to coast,and country to country, I realize that wherever you go...there you are. Truly. It doesn't matter how many times I displaced myself. I would meet the same people, see the same social impressions repeating, feel the same silly ways about myself. But at first it would look different. I would be captivated by how new and intriguing it all was. Only to eventually unveil itself as the same patterns I've always seen; always known. Different faces, different names. But quite the same patterns.
It wasn't until I realized the common denominator in all the ups and all the downs in my life was...well... me. It's all me. When I started working on MYSELF, taking full responsibility for my actions and my words...that's when I started to see the every day things taking on a whole new life. It became fascinating instead of aggravating. I started to feel real joy. Real hope that I actually have the power to do whatever I want to. And I can do it MY way, with compassion, with humor, with respect to myself and those around me.
In the unfolding of recent events I have noticed many people approaching life with a subtle defensive aggression. Like they're always ready to bite someone's head off or throw a tantrum. Or like they are some how "entitled" to something better. Those same people are the ones who "just can't understand" why they're having problems with people at work, or why none of their family truly knows them, or why certain situations seem to "always happen to them". Not realizing what it is that THEY, THEMSELVES who are actually putting that out into the Universe, every single day - with the words they speak, the lies they tell, the things they hide, the choices they make that encourage reactions, opinions, and responses from the world around them.
Oscar Wilde said it wonderfully when he announced "...one should never do anything one cannot talk about after dinner." A true Lover Of Life, I think Mr Wilde speaks a lot of wisdom. Everything we are, everything we do we should be able to own, fully. If we cannot; if who we are pretending to be causes the need to run away, or lie, or get trapped in cycles of cheating, pretense and suffering - it MUST be re-examined. Having known both - a life of wonder, filled with love, comfort, ease is so much healthier in all ways than a life of stagnancy and depression. Or worse - a life clouded by the constant need to numb or alter yourself with drugs, pills, alcohol and anything else you can find from keeping you from your own vulnerability, your own true strength. Why do so many of us fear our own strength? Our success? I can't quite figure that out. Is it the responsibility it carries? The unknown? The fear we might not be able to "keep that up"?
If we are given the choice to live - happy, impassioned, glorified....why choose the ugliness of lies, deceit and pretense? Do as you wish. But embrace your choices. It's cool if you need to be angry for a while. Go right ahead. Rage. Feel that. But then be done with it. Let that energy move through you. If it isn't, and you find yourself stuck in it, ask yourself - what needs to happen so I can move through this? Get moving! Move your body, express yourself, find an outlet. Help it MOVE THROUGH. If you need to wallow for a time - do it! Go ahead. Indulge in some wallowing. Lie around, brooding, watching reruns of bad tv. Go right ahead and fully embrace the wallow. But recognize this - emotions are meant to be exactly what they are - alive moving energies. Constantly changing. Just like the breath moving in and out, circling life through your body. Like the passing clouds in the sky - eventually revealing the sun again. Getting stuck, holding on too long, is much the same as trying to build a home on quicksand. Everything just keeps getting sucked under. Exhausting.
I believe I will always have a somewhat Gypsy Spirit. I like to travel. I like to be in motion. But now I'd much rather travel with an open heart, ready to experience love, abundance, joy, adventure in whatever way I can. My days of running away disguised as travelling are over. It's funny how powerful those silent intentions can be. Setting out into your day with an attitude of "I'm ready for love. I'm ready to celebrate." Or -" I Humbly Acknowledge My Fear(s) and today i will walk through my day one step at a time"...brings so much back.
Suddenly your silent intention begins to shift, subtly at first, how you act, react and all you perceive. And breath by breath things transform in the most amazing ways. But what IS your intention? What are you waking up for? Do you know? How do you want it to be? To Feel? To Look? Begin there.